Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Happiness is a warm cigar

I feel, much of the time, as if this is not my real life. It is as if I have extracted myself from reality for a long temporal holiday, and when it’s over, I’ll go back to the ticking clocks and the daily grind, where I will slot in seamlessly and look back on this as a strange, timeless hiatus.

Of course, this is one of the things that contributed to the demise of my most recent relationship. My ex-bloke said to me, when he broke things off, that were we in the real world things would have been different. At the time, I agreed with him, but now I’m not so sure.

We met before I even left for Namibia through a mutual acquaintance, and I knew almost immediately that I wanted more. When we met again, three weeks after my arrival, everything was still shiny and new, and once we began seeing each other, I stayed trapped in my little bubble. He was my best friend, my lover, and I depended on him emotionally more than I knew. He was all I had. I didn’t mind that he monopolized all my time; I couldn’t think of anyone with whom I’d rather be. Even now, when things are still so raw, I can see that this state of affairs was not healthy.

In a way, I’m glad it’s over. I still feel deeply hurt, and abandoned, and angry, but it’s fading, and soon I hope I will not miss him at all. My initial reaction was to run, to go home, and to slip into my old life as if under a comfort blanket. Subconsciously, I wanted to put myself in a position where I could meet someone new, and begin yet another relationship behind which I could hide. Serial monogamy covers a multitude of sins, dontcha know. I’ve always been so afraid of being alone, but at the same time, afraid of settling down. I’m now convinced that had I gone home, I probably would not have come back.

But in the post break-up weeks, with the drops of my burst fantasy-bubble fast drying up around my feet, it’s become clear to me that it does not matter where I am or what I do, and no matter how detached from reality I may feel, if I’m going to stay here, then I need to start making it my home.

So, over the last few weeks, I’ve been putting down small roots. Every time I do something to the house, or phone a friend, or go to my salsa class, I feel more calm, and at peace with myself. I’m starting, gradually, to feel real, and to feel happy. Not with the fragile euphoria that characterized my feelings about my life in Namibia to date, but deep inside, in my bones.

I hope it’s not just the weather.
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